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It’s not going well

I keep on doing the same things over and over again, and its putting my long term mental health at risk.

I keep getting evil thoughts in my mind because of the nature of the habbit, Self-Pleasure.

Not to mention that I’m not the person i was when i came to this country, i dindnt want come in the 1st place it was the choice of my father and mother(I was 5 when we started to move around).

When the Sri Lankan Armuy enterd the Jaffna penunsila in december 1995 we had already moved to the LTTE hald areas of the Vanni and thats where restarted my education after a couple of months inbetween schools.

At the time of our moving around due to fighting between the LTTE rebels and the Sri Lankan Forces my father was living and working in Switzerland.

My father and mother had decided that we would move to his location as ameans of sponsorship but that had a few road blocks  because he had not obtained a full citizenship of that Nation he was able to work and send money to us and still had some rights but he was a second class citizen.

We did what  most Tamils did at that time. We got there by a means of an organized people smuggling ring and that cost alot and it wasnt guaranteed to get us to the destination.

Like above we had not made it to Swiss directly. 1st we had to go to Singapore and then to Egypt, it’s where we got deported from because our paperwork had not matched up.

I did not have a nice time in Egypt unlike Singapore, we were held in the transit area with others doing the same thing and we were literally one step away from treated like garbage and not thrown in jail, for which I’m greatful for, but when we there for three days we had not been even given a glass of water not mention anything to eat, I think thats when felt hungry for the 1st time in my life. I was glad to be sent back home to Sri Lanka.

When in was young i was in Jaffna and i was smotherd in love by my Greatgrandmother, Great-grandfather, Grandmother and my three uncles from my fathers side and from my mothers side i had grandmother and grandfather and three aunts and five cousins.

When they askes if i had eaten i would always say yes because i was not intrested in eating what they had to offer, for breakfast I woiuld have bread or Thosai or puttu with sambal or jam or an omellette and at luch rice and variety of curry’s usually for lunch and for dinner i would be treated to something they counjured up.

I hated eating because it was something i hated for some reason but the fruits that grew in our grandfathers and greatgranfathers paddy feilds and gardens were what i loved to snack on, why because they tasted better and i liked to eat then, insted where with the meals i was being force fed and at the end of eating the meals they would twist my cheek and if i am eating myself then almost 80 pecent of it would be fed to our guradian angel of the the house and lifestock and my sweet companion the Dog, so most of the time they would make sure i get force fed.

Soon after i left again for Swiss, this time we had made a direct flight to Holland and from there we were driven to my dads appartment in Lucerne the german speaking city in middle of Switzerland and his appartment was located five minutes from the bahnhof(raliway station to you and me) so it was quite nice and after 1 week we were moved to the Suburbs somewhere outside of the city and i was enrolled into a school.

Thats where it all beagan. I started to explore my heart for the opposite sex. I initially put into a class for my age and then because I had not a songle clue of the German language i was piut down a year into year four also i had, along with my two siblings. I was taught by a special needs teacher, or a Specialist German teacher, which i’m still not sure about. She would tech us words like children, we were only 8, 6, 5.5 at the time so it was easier for the youger ones. I was lucky to have been put in the year four class with a good teacher she was intrested in my culture and she spoke english and so did I, to some extent, so she would aks me how my schools were like and what my language was like and what the women wore and what the men wore as treditional oufits.

The girl i liked was in the 1st class i was put in with, thats where I also met a Tamil boy who was my translator for the whole duration of my time there, I forgot his name( it’s been 22 years since swiss).

Her name is still engraved in my mind, I think I like her beacause she was very beautiful however quite short even for me at that time i was 5 foot or so but she was around my shoulder length.

The reason my mother left the great country was beacuse ever since my father had been there he’s had a girlfreind, i know he had i saw them holding hands when they were both were coming from work, i was take to the train station where this happened by his then close freind.

So as expected there were fights where he would deny that he was with her and then he would come home drunk and assult her and then when it got too much she moved us to the french speaking corner of the country where her sister was living, she was sponsored through leagal means beacause her husband was a citizen and had a good job.

So eventually Mother came to the conclusion this was not good for her or us so we were moved again, this time to the UK, once and for all.

The method we used is now popular with many people trying to enter the UK without legal means or a passport. We came in a Blue lorry.

We got off at a petrol garge and were then arrested by police and then they took pictures and details and then released us to our Uncle who was soo busy ruining his life in gambling wasting his time on jack all. We were then driven to his house and thats where we lived for a couple of months and then because mother had us she was given some money to help with the education costs and upkeep of herslef and us and we enrolled in a local school and i was again put into a lower class, this time by my mother beacause she thought i wouldnt progress as well if i had been in the class i was supposed.

#Imagination #Mentalhealth

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