Motivation is as the dictionary defines it as the following
a reason or reasons for acting or behaving in a particular way.”escape can be a strong motivation for travel” synonyms:motive, motivating force, incentive, stimulus, stimulation, inspiration, impulse, inducement, incitement, spur, goad, provocation; reason, rationale, ground(s)”the motivation for taking part in the training was often financial”
desire or willingness to do something; enthusiasm.”keep staff up to date and maintain interest and motivation”synonyms:enthusiasm, drive, ambition, initiative, determination, enterprise, sense of purpose; informal get-up-and-go”keep staff up to date to maintain their interest and motivation”
Motivation is hard to come by when you’re depressed and have been tortured and denied the truth and justice and peace and freedom to live the life you choose and to live it the way you want it.
So what can you do, well nothing you don’t get to quit life half way just because it doesn’t go your way or you don’t get the stuff you wanted from your parents or anyone that you wanted it from you just have to pick your self up and go and you can’t commit suicide, trust me i’ve tried on three to four occasions and it all went to shit.
Why you must be wondering, well first of all it’ll take you to hell for committing one of the serious crimes against your self and god and that is taking your life and the method i chose in all of my tries have left me damaged and fragile and not to mention that the toll it took on my wellbeing and the mental state of me and my family, especially my poor mother and i had to spend the last ten years under the care of the mental health services and under the watchful eye’s of many community nurses and NHS staff and i had to take medication to make me feel better and that is not good if it’s not natural then it’s bad and will leave a side effect, like it did to me.
The first time i tried to commit suicide was in 2008 or before i think, in my early 20’s and one day i came home and took a load of paracetamol and my mother found out somehow and took me to the hospital and they put in the emergency ward and notified my GP and then when i was released to the Campbell centre( its the place to go if you’ve hit rock bottom and are contemplating something like this and it’s a place for anyone to find help they have rooms and staff to help and monitor you in your recovery). And i spent one month there taking prescription drugs that put me sleep and dade me drowsy and and put on weight and made me abnormally hungry and made my chest grow like an female thats going through puberty but mine were much bigger and i was getting better so after an evaluation by the psychiatrist i was deem fit to be with the “Normal People” if you can call anyone normal. And while i was there i was fed twice a day(i’d wake up late because of the medication and so i would always miss the breakfast everyday) and when i woke up i would have to go and see the nurse who dispenses the medication to anyone and every one that was there. Also we were kept separate from the female patients for obvious reasons as they were not completely themselves. My family would come and see me everyday and i was actually fed up of seeing them there i wanted my peace so i told them not to come after 15 days have passed there and they didn’t listen, they kept coming with food, most of my evening meals were McDonalds or Burger King.
When i was out i had to meet up with a female nurse who was nice and talked to me about how i was getting on with daily life i would see her every week and i was prescribed to the same medication as i was given at the centre and this made my daily life quite difficult as i had to take it every morning and every evening an so after six months have gone by told her i wanted to quit the medication and she reviewed it with a Dr of Physiology and a resident at the hospital and he said that they’ll change it to something else altogether. And this went on for three years.
Second attempt was after three years when i tried again with the same medication and this time i had mixed it up with some sleeping pills and paracetamol and this time my mother was at work and i was in pain from overdosing and i felt like i couldn’t lift myself up from the bed and i had told my mother after she came back from work(she does nights) and i had to be taken on an ambulance to the emergency ward and was put on drips and after falling asleep for a 16 hours and waking up they put me back home because i was hallucinating i was told and that i was a schizophrenic and that i had to be on medication for a very long time and that i may not ever be off it until i die and that pushed me to try another attempt but i didn’t and this time i was on a injection form of medication where i had to go and see a doctor or a nurse to get them to give it to me. And this went on for another four to five years.
Third attempt was after getting married to the girl i met at a hospital, no she was not a patient she was a nurse, and after two years of seeing her i got married to her and she drove me to the last one as, i think it was the medication i was taking had done irreparable damage to the physical body and one of most important parts of the male body, the penis, i was have sex with her and i had an erection and i was inside and i could not get any sort of sensation from the intercourse at all and i thought this is pointless and after a six months period of trying to get the sensation back by not taking the medication i was left without sensation and i was frustrated and so this time again i went for the same method of paracetamol cocktail, if you’re wondering where i’d get that much of pills, well i’d get headaches almost every day so i would buy tablets every day and in the UK you can only buy two packs of medicine at anyone time so i had accumulated a good few dozen boxes of tablets an they contain between 16 to 12 tablets at strength of 500mg so and if you can imagine i had at the height of collection 15 boxes and i took it all at once and when my brother-in-law came to me to talk and he noticed the tablets by the table and told my mother and then again i was in the A&E. And after lying to the nurse that i had felt a bad headache and i wanted to sleep but my intention was not to kill myself they said an evaluation will take place and that i would be free to go. And the senior consultant came and i told her the same lie and i think she bought it. When i went home and that night i was speaking to my brother-in-law and he said that my mother was suffering because of me and my father(he’s an alcoholic and beats her when he get too drunk or when there is a problem within the house ) and that i should not do this anymore and i he made me promise that to my mother that i wouldn’t try again to end my life and so since then i have tried not to end it.
These are the main three times i have followed through and there have been others when i chickened out.
It’s been eleven to twelve years i have been in care and most of the time i spent at home under my mums watchful eye and under heavy stress and although i am now almost free of medication i still have the wife who is not talking to me and wants a divorce after disappearing from the radar for about a month and i kinda said i had enough of her and her lies and that i don’t want to be tied down anymore to anything or anyone.
The only thing i worry about is my my immediate family and their peace so i wont be doing that anytime soon, i since i wont break a promise or go back on my word i can be sure they wont have to worry about it.
And if you’re contemplating suicide think it through and talk to someone and pour it all out and if you keep it all bottled up then you will suffer and like it or not you are here to make this world better and contribute towards a better world where everyone is equal and treated like the same.
I know right now with world war 3 looming in the background with middle east and with the rising nationalism and right wing extremism across the world and with the continuing wave of deaths at the hands of the caliphate and continued oppression across the world and also with the rising prospects of global sea levels and the continuing extinction of animals, birds and other species of life forms that have prospered on this little rock floating in space in the middle of nowhere and there’s nowhere else to escape to save ourselves so do you think you can kill yourself you may even try and if you succeed kudos you have wasted a mothers love for you and the suffering she went through the nine to ten months that she carried you in her, and also the depending on how long you have lived and i don’t know how many people’s live you have brightened with your influence and how many friends you will be leaving frustrated and in complete and utter shock that they have failed as a friend to save you and if you have a partner or even children then why would you want to leave them to the vultures to peck away without your guardianship.
If you cannot live for yourself then life for someone else, take up a cause love something, write something and most importantly be great-full that you are even reading this because there are more than a fair-share of people on this planet whom are so worse off that they have to hope for saviour you can be that, if you don’t want to do that then thats fine just don’t end your life without it even having been begun yet.